Happiness is a Journey, not a destination.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

No, this time I really mean it...

I WILL be catching up. Actually, after this post, I will be posting a catch up...I may not backdate the actual post, but I will date entries within the post. But first....

I'm having an emotional morning. I'm off work today, our phone line isn't working, and I'm catching up on all the chores that run a household. That's not why I'm emotional, however. Or at least not totally why.

While I've been doing chores, I've been catching up on my TiVo. I watched this week's episode of "The Biggest Loser", which always ends up pulling at my heartstrings. I've also gotten into "Parenthood", which comes on right after. I was watching Tuesday's episode, and it brought a lot of feelings to the surface....

As mothers, I think we all worry about our actions and how they influence our children. As a working mother, I worry, period. I feel lucky to have a full time career that limits my time away from my children. How many full time working (defining "working" as working outside the home, because we all work inside the home as well :)) moms have the option of working at night, while their children are mostly sleeping, having 4 days off, including some weekdays, and only having to have limited amounts of childcare, because of the career I picked? Sure, I sacrifice some sleep, and I'm not always cheerful on little sleep....but I'm here. I'm here to kiss my babies' "owwies", when they're still young enough to want that. To get them off to school every morning. To play princess castle with my daughter, to play dinosaurs and cars with my sons when they were little. I was always taught that I was meant for great things.

My mother got married young, and then had a happy surprise when she got pregnant with me. Her morning sickness was terrible, and she had to drop out of college. I remember how important it was to her and my grandparents to go back and finish her degree. I remember how she would take care of us and study for her classes, and when she got her degree and her teaching job how exciting it was! I always knew I'd work. I didn't always plan on being a mom, but then, in high school, I wanted to be a doctor. Then, I met my amazing husband, and decided that I wanted a family more than I wanted medical school. After exploring various healthcare career options, I am happy with the career path I've taken. However, I have guilt. I sometimes see all the stay at home moms that I'm blessed to be friends with, and feel inadequate. I feel like I can't keep up. I feel blessed to be included, but know that my job and hours naturally exclude me from some things. That's ok. Until my inner mom conscience starts whispering..."shouldn't you do that? ____ does that and that, you should too. _____ can do all should do more".

I really hate that voice.

My children are healthy and happy. They are well adjusted. All of them are very social, relatively fearless. Is that just personality, or is it because they had early daycare exposure? Someone made a comment in my presence last week that I really tried not to take personally. It was meant as encouragement to a mom who needed it, but it struck at the core of my "working Mom" guilt. Should I have tried harder in that area? Did it anyway, even though it made me miserable?

I love what I do. I hold Life and Death in my hands on a daily basis, and mostly, through our Lords help and plan, Life wins. I have bad days at work. There are times when I think the politics will kill me, when the gossip and backbiting drag me into a pit of despair. Nights when I feel like the emotional chill pervading the environment will freeze me to death. When I feel totally isolated. Those nights make me long for my home, my family. Then, gifts of serenity and friendship will reach out, and I remember that it's not about the people, it's about the babies. I was given a gift and talent for healing, and direction in my patriarchal blessing to use this gift. So I remember, and press on.

Today, however, I feel blessed to be at home, in my jammies, playing with my daughter and her princesses, doing laundry, cleaning, and being at home. Even though I have to wait for the Qwest guy to come repair the phone.

I know some of my examples won't make sense to my readers. This post is just for me, to purge my mind, clear my thoughts, and most especially, to express my love and appreciation for all the friends I have...the people I can count on to "hook me up" with serenity and friendship.

That's why I'm publishing it.


Mindy said...

We all do what we were meant to do in life, whatever that path is that we choose. We all can't be then same, or accomplish the same things because that would be flat out boring and how would we be able to serve and teach one another? It's the days when I get to be lazy at home and play with my girls that make it all worth while too. I really don't know how you juggle all the balls in your life. ;D

Rachael said...

You know even us stay at home moms sometimes feel like there is something more we wish me could do for our families, but can't.

The coin flips both ways. You're just on the opposite end. You are doing what I would like to be doing one day. Having the best of both worlds. I've told Jesse once Kimmy's in school I'm doing something with my life.

Kristen said...

All of us "working Mom's" have had that guilt. Until people have walked in your shoes, then they have no idea what it is like, or the choices you make. I personally think that I am giving my children a good example of hard work, and how much a Dad can be involved in children's lives.(I could give much bigger list, but I will spare you!)