Vulnerability

So, as I was posting my last post, one of my friends at work was asking me about it. As I was explaining, she asked me why I put stuff out for everyone to read, because it makes you vulnerable. And it's true, It does make you vulnerable. I've been vulnerable several time because of things that I've posted. But I can't seem to stop. The pull of the blog...the catharsis of typing my feelings and letting them out to the world...I've always loved to write. I'm not a story type writer...I do okay with a basic outline, but filling in the details is not my strong point. I've always been better at writing facts and essays. My blog is a great personal tool because I love to write. They always say write what you know. I know my job, my family, and my emotions. So, I guess I've decided that being vulnerable at times is a small price to pay.

I really want to thank everyone who's posted comments of support in my vulnerable times. You made my day. :)

Comment Moderation

So, It's been bugging me. I while back, I posted a "purging" post. I posted it for 2 reasons. 1--because I knew that if I typed my thoughts down, and let them out to the "universe" (so to speak), I would feel better. I've learned that when I get toxic emotions like that, the only way to let them go is to either talk them out or write them down. So, I wrote them down. No kidding, 10 minutes after I typed that post, I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I felt much better, and all those emotions were GONE. I just needed to get them out, and as I was at work, this was my only real option. So, I really, really thought I had made it PERFECTLY clear that this post was all about ME. MY internal emotions and perspectives. I WAS NOT accusing anyone, blaming anyone, mad at anyone, etc. The entire post was just about my internal perspective about the way I'VE chosen to live MY life, and how sometimes those choices make me feel a bit lonely. Mostly, I don't have that problem. I'm very lucky to have a husband who is also my VERY BEST FRIEND. We share many interests, and quite honestly, if I've got time, I almost always want to be doing something with him (except for scrapbooking, and I've got my mom, SIL, and friends to do that with). I was just having a stressful, hormonal week, and hormones mess with my emotions. So, I purged, and I was better.

The 2nd reason I posted it, online, for all to see...I know I can't be the only person who feels this ways sometimes. I always feel guilty when these emotions pop up, because I'm well aware of how blessed I am. So, I wanted everyone else out there to know...these emotions happen. It's OK. You're not alone.

I really planned to make the post, and forget about it (until I print it for my journal). I never planned to even look at the comments, I had put it so far behind me after writing it. However, my husband insisted I read the comments, and I've been bothered ever since. One anonymous comment, took my post completely out of context, and it irritated me. I haven't been able to let it go. I allow anonymous comments so that my wonderful family, who don't have blogger sign-ons, can comment if they wish. However, since the comment was made, I've decided that the best way to handle stuff like that is to moderate my comments. I'm sorry for any inconvenience this causes anyone, but it's for my sanity and peace of mind.

Once again, I'm well aware of all the things the Lord has blessed me with.

I'm so tired...

I only got about 4 total hours of sleep between working Thursday night and coming back to work tonight (which is really Saturday now, but to me it's still Friday because I haven't been to bed yet). I had Talia on the waiting list for daycare, but although I tried to think positive, I just had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get her into daycare today. Of course, today of all days the boys decided to break the rules and be extremely LOUD this morning, waking both me and Talia up 30 minutes before it was necessary for me to be up. (30 minutes may not seem like much, but every little bit helps). Needless to say, I was NOT a happy mommy this morning. After the boys got off to school, Talia and I actually had a pretty good morning. We cuddled on the couch, and she actually watched a little bit of TV...the Backyardigans (for all you mom's out there). This is exciting to me because it helps if I can distract her for a short period of time...and this is the first time TV has distracted her for any amount of time.

So, I'm 1 hour away from being done with my shift tonight. I'm really struggling to stay awake. At least my commute is only 3 minutes!

Before and After and all kinds of things....

So, I got my hair done yesterday. I ususally go about every 5 weeks...my gray grow-out starts to drive me crazy by week 4. However, this time, I needed the color to last through a few events I have coming up...so I went 6 weeks. Basically, I've hated my hair (and by extension, the way I look) for about 2 weeks. It's a relief to feel pretty again.
Before...notice I'm completely gray at the roots...


After...


And then...the School Carnival!


Cole's "Lab" that he created for my mom's school carnival was a huge hit. My mom made around $84 dollars. Considering it was only 1 ticket per time, and each ticket cost 25 cents, they had almost 400 people go through. Cole was so nervous he was sick, but felt pleased at the results. Hopefully, he'll be posting the video on his blog soon.

Now, the rest of the work begins. Cole has all next week off work to put up his "experience"....

Pumpkins, Haunted House, and more Halloween Stuff

We had a really fun day...at the pumpkin "patch", at the Haunted Hollow, and of course, with Cole's newest project out.

Just a review...I really thought the Haunted Hollow---out the 12th street exit on 1900 West---did a really good job. It opens at 7:30 (we were a bit early, but no big deal). It's $15 for adults, kids 6 and under are free. It took us about 30 minutes to walk through. The actors did a really good job balancing the scaring with not getting too intrusive on my personal space, which is always an issue with me at these types of attractions. There are loud noises, and the boys clung to us through the entire thing, but did really well. Alec kept telling the actors that he wasn't scared of them. Kyle's always quiet through these things, but he did really well also. Of course, my kids are somewhat desensitized to things most kids find scary. After all, we currently have a skeleton laying on the couch, and no one in my house bats an eye at that.

Come on by the house after dark if you live in the neighborhood...it looks pretty cool. It's definitely my favorite setup so far.

Better

I guess I am done purging. I feel much better. I just have to get through 6 more hours of work. Yay!!! Tomorrow we're going to the Pumpkin patch in the afternoon, and tomorrow night we're taking the boys to a Haunted House!!!

****WARNING***** Purging

I'm a little depressed today. Needless to say, October has not been the best month for me. Cole, although he loves Halloween, gets extremely stressed this month. That's hard on both of us. I've been fighting off an extremely irritating infection (which is finally gone after 3 courses of treatment), so I've been moody and annoyed over that. It's been a rough week at work. We've gone from 15 to 30 babies in about 8 days time, and lots of them are really sick. I'm currently working my 4th 12 hour shift this week. We're short staffed because it's Fall Break, and it's crazy. I didn't sleep very well today, and I was irritated with Cole for basically no good reason, so now I feel extremely guilty. However, the real matter at hand...I realized something last night. I'm lonely. Lonely for Girlfriend type contact. Last night, we were talking, and 3 girls from the "group" of friend we hang with at work were talking about how they went down to the Bodyworlds exhibit, and to dinner, and they didn't want to go home, etc. Now, that's fine, I'm really don't care that they all went together. I'm fine with being part of the group but not on the inside of the group. It just made me depressed that I don't have anyone to do stuff like that with. A close girlfriend, to shop with, take our kids places together, you know that kind of stuff. I'm perfectly aware that my schedule makes this incredibly hard. The fact that I really try to keep up on my sleep is part of the problem as well...a lot of girls here at work get up with their kids in the morning after working, and do stuff all day. Me, I live for Talia's naptime so that I can get another 1.5 hours of sleep. I'm one of those people who doesn't do well without her sleep. It's the same with the girls around the neighborhood...I feel (not blaming ANYONE but my own emotions here) that there's this divide that I can't cross because I choose to work, and they choose to be at home with their kids. They have a flexibility that I don't have. By choice, but again, I can't help my emotions. It's hard to feel left out, even when you logically know that it's not the case. Logic is well and good, but although my brain has the capability of being logical, my heart is led by emotion and hormones. And right now, my brain is too tired to let logic overcome emotion.

I don't feel like I'm quite done purging, but no more random thoughts are coming to my brain.