I'm a little depressed today. Needless to say, October has not been the best month for me. Cole, although he loves Halloween, gets extremely stressed this month. That's hard on both of us. I've been fighting off an extremely irritating infection (which is finally gone after 3 courses of treatment), so I've been moody and annoyed over that. It's been a rough week at work. We've gone from 15 to 30 babies in about 8 days time, and lots of them are really sick. I'm currently working my 4th 12 hour shift this week. We're short staffed because it's Fall Break, and it's crazy. I didn't sleep very well today, and I was irritated with Cole for basically no good reason, so now I feel extremely guilty. However, the real matter at hand...I realized something last night. I'm lonely. Lonely for Girlfriend type contact. Last night, we were talking, and 3 girls from the "group" of friend we hang with at work were talking about how they went down to the Bodyworlds exhibit, and to dinner, and they didn't want to go home, etc. Now, that's fine, I'm really don't care that they all went together. I'm fine with being part of the group but not on the inside of the group. It just made me depressed that I don't have anyone to do stuff like that with. A close girlfriend, to shop with, take our kids places together, you know that kind of stuff. I'm perfectly aware that my schedule makes this incredibly hard. The fact that I really try to keep up on my sleep is part of the problem as well...a lot of girls here at work get up with their kids in the morning after working, and do stuff all day. Me, I live for Talia's naptime so that I can get another 1.5 hours of sleep. I'm one of those people who doesn't do well without her sleep. It's the same with the girls around the neighborhood...I feel (not blaming ANYONE but my own emotions here) that there's this divide that I can't cross because I choose to work, and they choose to be at home with their kids. They have a flexibility that I don't have. By choice, but again, I can't help my emotions. It's hard to feel left out, even when you logically know that it's not the case. Logic is well and good, but although my brain has the capability of being logical, my heart is led by emotion and hormones. And right now, my brain is too tired to let logic overcome emotion.
I don't feel like I'm quite done purging, but no more random thoughts are coming to my brain.