Happiness is a Journey, not a destination.


Friday, October 17, 2008

****WARNING***** Purging

I'm a little depressed today. Needless to say, October has not been the best month for me. Cole, although he loves Halloween, gets extremely stressed this month. That's hard on both of us. I've been fighting off an extremely irritating infection (which is finally gone after 3 courses of treatment), so I've been moody and annoyed over that. It's been a rough week at work. We've gone from 15 to 30 babies in about 8 days time, and lots of them are really sick. I'm currently working my 4th 12 hour shift this week. We're short staffed because it's Fall Break, and it's crazy. I didn't sleep very well today, and I was irritated with Cole for basically no good reason, so now I feel extremely guilty. However, the real matter at hand...I realized something last night. I'm lonely. Lonely for Girlfriend type contact. Last night, we were talking, and 3 girls from the "group" of friend we hang with at work were talking about how they went down to the Bodyworlds exhibit, and to dinner, and they didn't want to go home, etc. Now, that's fine, I'm really don't care that they all went together. I'm fine with being part of the group but not on the inside of the group. It just made me depressed that I don't have anyone to do stuff like that with. A close girlfriend, to shop with, take our kids places together, you know that kind of stuff. I'm perfectly aware that my schedule makes this incredibly hard. The fact that I really try to keep up on my sleep is part of the problem as well...a lot of girls here at work get up with their kids in the morning after working, and do stuff all day. Me, I live for Talia's naptime so that I can get another 1.5 hours of sleep. I'm one of those people who doesn't do well without her sleep. It's the same with the girls around the neighborhood...I feel (not blaming ANYONE but my own emotions here) that there's this divide that I can't cross because I choose to work, and they choose to be at home with their kids. They have a flexibility that I don't have. By choice, but again, I can't help my emotions. It's hard to feel left out, even when you logically know that it's not the case. Logic is well and good, but although my brain has the capability of being logical, my heart is led by emotion and hormones. And right now, my brain is too tired to let logic overcome emotion.

I don't feel like I'm quite done purging, but no more random thoughts are coming to my brain.


Anonymous said...

Hi Lonely girl,

I am sorry you feel sad. Every one feels sad and lonely off and on. I think you need to look at your life and priorities. You have a lovely family which many people would love to have, a good job that many people do not have and friends you see once in a while to have fun with. Remember no one can not do it all!

I would love to run around with friends partying, shopping and seeing fun things. I can't though because I work 4 - 12 hour shifts every week, have sick family members to care for all the time and have no one to help with any of the house work. My time is spent caring for others and my personal time is spent sleeping! Be happy and enjoy when you can go with your friends and do not pine away when you can not.

Blogging your woes where "friends" can see your feelings is only going to alienate the friends you get to enjoy. All friends have times with others, that does not mean they do not like you. I am sure you do things without them too. Do you invite them everywhere you go?

Learn to love yourself and enjoy your life. See your own self worth and share it with others when you do get together with them. Don't expect others to lead you to happiness.

Your Friend

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Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that you are down. It is really hard to have a life outside of family and work. Hang in there! I too am someone who needs her sleep so I totally understand that.